Angry in the Great White North

In Florida, people are being warned that dolphins are mean and bite people.

Well, duh, animals bite:

Marine researchers are warning about a growing number of dolphin bite cases in Sarasota County, according to a Local 6 News report.

Florida experts said wild dolphins are becoming more aggressive because boaters are feeding them.

"It seems reasonable to understand why you wouldn't feed a bear or something more dangerous-appearing, but these are wild animals," dolphin researcher Jason Allen said. "They are wild animals with lots of sharp teeth."

Officials said a dolphin bit a woman from Lakeland earlier this month when she tried to pet it.

It is illegal to feed, harass, swim with or follow wild dolphins. Violators face misdemeanor charges for committing the crimes.

I've never understood the way people attribute qualities of kindness and such to dolphins, carnivores extraordinare. I blame Flipper, of course, for some of that. But then that was over 40 years ago. You'd think that would have worn off by now.

I suppose the real culprits are the aquarium folks who train captive dolphins to do tricks, and biologists and environmentalists who seem determined to prove dolphins are on par with humans in terms of intelligence. After a while, you start to believe that dolphins are so smart that they want to jump through hoops.

OK, that makes no sense. But then this love affair with dolphins has never made sense to me. What is cuddly about the mammalian version of a shark?

If people simply understood just how many people have been killed by dolphins. Killed by dolphins? Sure. You've heard the documented stories about people far from shore and in danger of drowning being pushed to land and safety by a kind dolphin. That's the half that got lucky when the dolphin randomly decided to push the swimmer towards shore. The half that got randomly pushed out to sea, well, they don't make the news.

Leave these beasties alone. Let them chase their fish and if you like, you can imagine that an animal who spends all its time hunting for its next meal, the same way a shark or a piranha is always hunting, is some sort of supergenius of the sea. But do that from the safety of shore. Get too close, and one of these gentle geniuses might just decide to see if the sharks are right and humans do taste like tuna**.

**Tuna being the chicken of the sea, of course. Ba-dum-dum.